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Walt's in the Car
Gene and Howie drove forty-five minutes to scatter their friend Walt in the lake. Neither of them thinks he brought the ashes. Walt, it turns out, has been in the back seat for three weeks.
Characters
- GENE - 60s, retired mail carrier, keeps score on everything and has for fifty years
- HOWIE - 60s, retired shop teacher, treats every sentence as a setup and has never once cleaned out his car
Setting
A park bench facing a small lake on a cool October morning, a parking lot visible behind them.
A park bench facing a small lake. Fall. A parking lot behind them. GENE, in a windbreaker, sits with a thermos. HOWIE arrives slowly with a paper bag of donuts and sits.
HOWIE
Where is he?
GENE
Where's who?
HOWIE
Walt.
GENE
What do you mean where's Walt. You got Walt.
HOWIE
I don't got Walt. You got Walt.
GENE
Howie. Why would I have Walt?
HOWIE
Because Linda gave him to you. At the church. I watched her hand you the box.
GENE
She handed me a box of programs. Leftover programs. I got forty programs with Walt's face on 'em in my hall closet.
HOWIE
So who's got Walt?
GENE
You said you'd take him. You said, "I'll take him home with me, he's used to my house." Because of the poker.
HOWIE
That was a joke.
GENE
It didn't sound like a joke.
HOWIE
Everything I say sounds like a joke. That's my whole personality. You've known me fifty years.
GENE
Well, I took it serious.
Pause. HOWIE opens the donuts. Offers one. GENE takes it.
HOWIE
So we drove out here.
GENE
We drove out here.
HOWIE
Forty minutes.
GENE
Forty-five. There was a thing on the bridge.
HOWIE
To put Walt in the lake.
GENE
Where he asked.
HOWIE
And nobody brought Walt.
GENE
Appears that way.
HOWIE
This is, honest to God, this is the most Walt thing that's ever happened. He'd love this. He would be laughing so hard right now.
GENE
He'd be laughing at you.
HOWIE
At me?
GENE
You're the one who said you'd take him.
HOWIE
Gene. I'm gonna be very calm. I'm gonna eat this donut. And I'm gonna say one more time that I did not take the man home.
GENE
Then where's he been for three weeks?
HOWIE
I assumed your closet. With the programs.
GENE
He's not in my closet!
HOWIE
Well, he's not in mine!
A jogger passes. They both nod politely and wait.
GENE
(low)
Did Linda keep him?
HOWIE
Linda's in Arizona. She moved the day after. You drove her to the airport.
GENE
I drove her to the airport.
HOWIE
Gene.
GENE
Don't say it.
HOWIE
He's in Arizona.
GENE
He's not in Arizona. She would've said. "Gene, I'm taking Walt." She would've said that.
HOWIE
Would she? Because she didn't say anything when she took the good lawn chairs.
GENE
Those were her lawn chairs.
HOWIE
They were Walt's lawn chairs, and he told me I could have 'em.
GENE
We're not doing the lawn chairs.
HOWIE finishes his donut. Wipes his hands. Then he goes very still.
HOWIE
Oh no.
GENE
What.
HOWIE
Oh, no no no.
GENE
What, Howie.
HOWIE
I did take him home.
GENE
I told you!
HOWIE
No, listen. I took him home. I put him in the back seat, because I didn't want him in the trunk, that felt wrong. And then Marianne said the back seat was full of junk and to clean it out, and I said I would, and I didn't.
GENE
So he's...
HOWIE
He's in the car.
GENE
Right now.
HOWIE
Right now. He's been in the car. Three weeks. He's been to the pharmacy. He's been to my grandson's soccer game. He went through the car wash.
GENE
You took Walt through the car wash?
HOWIE
It's a nice car wash!
GENE starts laughing. Can't stop.
GENE
Three weeks. You drove him around for three weeks and you sat here and let me think I lost him.
HOWIE
I didn't let you think anything, I forgot!
GENE
That's worse!
HOWIE
It's not worse, it's just different!
GENE stands, still laughing, and picks up the thermos.
GENE
Go get him.
HOWIE
You go get him. You lost the lawn chairs.
GENE
Howie. Go get our friend out of your car.
HOWIE gets up, grumbling, and heads for the lot. GENE sits back down and looks at the lake.
GENE
(to the lake)
You'd have loved this, Walt. You'd have loved this.
End of script