Dialogues / Romantic Comedy
Be Nice
Nora and Eli have both been set up by the same friend, and both promised her they would be nice. Neither one is good at it. It is a first date at a wine bar and both of them have an exit text ready.
A wine bar, early evening. A small table for two. NORA, 28, has arrived first and ordered nothing.
ELI, 29, arrives with his coat still on, scanning the room.
ELI
Nora?
NORA
You're Eli.
ELI
I am. Hi. Sorry, I was...
NORA
You're eleven minutes late.
ELI
I was gonna say I was parking.
NORA
Were you?
ELI
No, I was sitting in the car deciding whether to come in.
He sits. She blinks. That was more honest than she expected.
NORA
Okay. Well. Tess said you were nice.
ELI
Tess said you were nice.
NORA
Tess says everybody's nice. Tess thinks her dentist is nice.
ELI
Her dentist is nice, actually. I've met him.
NORA
Of course you have.
A server passes. Neither of them flags her down.
ELI
So what do you do.
NORA
I'm not gonna do that.
ELI
Do what?
NORA
The thing. The resume thing. What do you do, where'd you grow up, what's your relationship with your mother.
ELI
I wasn't gonna ask about your mother.
NORA
Everybody asks about the mother eventually.
ELI
Okay. What do you not do.
NORA
(beat)
I don't hike.
ELI
Oh, thank God.
NORA
Tess put hiking in the text, didn't she.
ELI
She said you were 'outdoorsy.' In quotes. Like she was hedging.
NORA
I went camping once. In 2019. I have not recovered.
ELI
I told her I liked cooking and I think that got translated to 'chef.'
NORA
She said chef.
ELI
I make a chili. One chili.
NORA
Is it good?
ELI
It's fine. It's a fine chili.
Nora almost smiles. Catches it.
NORA
Look. I promised Tess I'd be nice. I'm being honest with you, that's the version of nice I have. I'm tired. I've been on four of these this year and every single guy has told me about his podcast.
ELI
I don't have a podcast.
NORA
Everybody says that and then twenty minutes later it's, well, it's not really a podcast...
ELI
I have a newsletter.
NORA
Oh my God.
ELI
It's about bridges.
NORA
(despite herself)
What?
ELI
Bridges. Old ones. I go look at them. There's forty people subscribed and one of them is my aunt.
NORA
That's... that's really specific.
ELI
You said don't do the resume. This is the opposite of the resume. This is the part I'd normally hide till date three.
NORA
Why are you telling me now?
ELI
Because you're not gonna be here for date three, so I figured, why waste it.
That lands. Nora sits back.
NORA
That's kind of a move.
ELI
It's not a move. If it was a move, it'd be working.
NORA
It's a little bit working.
Beat. The server passes again. This time Eli raises a hand.
ELI
Do you want a drink or do you want to go.
NORA
Why would I go.
ELI
Because you've been holding your keys under the table since I sat down.
She looks down. She has.
NORA
I forgot I was doing that.
ELI
It's fine. I'd have brought keys too. I had a whole exit text ready. 'Work thing.' Very original.
NORA
Mine was 'my cat.'
ELI
You have a cat?
NORA
No.
She puts the keys on the table. Then, deliberately, into her purse.
NORA
I'll have whatever the red is. And I want to hear about one bridge. One. If it's boring, I'm calling my fake cat.
ELI
Okay. There's one in Ohio...
NORA
Already bad.
ELI
Just wait.
NORA
(smiling now, can't help it)
I'm waiting. Be nice.
ELI
I'm trying. It's going okay.
End of script
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